Urm a lot has happened recently i felt it would be good if i posted... urm i recently got loads of hate on tumblr (a blogging site) telling me i was a whore, to go kill myself etc. Its not stuff i want to remind myself of. I thought it was all Tim but it turned out it was like everyone of my friends :/ it got into a really big thing and i cut myself (which is completely stupid and i regret it) i almost had to get stitches and it just made a lot of hassle with my parents and im going to be scarred for life. I have not only wrecked things for myself but i have wrecked things for everyone else. I knew it was just all the pressure building up recently i dont think i could take it anymore. However, im fine now. Im excited for christmas and slowly getting my friends back. It feels great. I dont want to be in a shit mood anymore but i spent the day on tumblr today for the first time in ages and i feel like shit so im going to try and avoid it. Im starting to like someone as well.... i dont want to like him because he lives so far away but i just get attached so easily so maybe i should try and back out a little bit, idek :/ anyway, thats it for today, im excited for christmas 2011 and i know im getting a guitar :) wooo!

feelings

Right, since i last updated a lot has happened.... i went through this smoking thing where just for one weekend i smoked a few fags with ruth and sarah daniels and stuff.... friends didnt want to talk to me- didnt blame them but it was a big thing and i was very upset about it. The other thing i didnt mean for to happen, i had just 'upped' my friendship with everyone again and it just all wrecked it again. I went to Elliot Hingstons party and it was about 4am and i was about to go to sleep but scott and elliot came through acting all drunk (everyone thought they were faking it but they wernt) asking if anyone wanted any shots. Me and charlotte playll decided we would have some. I didnt realise it was rum.... i had 5 shots (seeing as you can get drunk on one shot, 5 shots is pretty bad) then elliot came through with some port which was 20%. if you have quarter of the bottle you can kill yourself... i had half of the bottle :S i remember laying down next to Elliot on a sofa and then everything went wrong after that. The next thing i rememeber was openeing my eyes to looking at the inside of a bucket. I got taken in and layed on the sofa and i was told by emily that i had been fingered by elliot and i had tossed him off and given him head..... i was completely distraught but tbh i was still kind of drunk when she told me and apparently i kept calling Georges name and he came over and apparently i grabbed his hand or something :S AWWWKWWARRRD. :/ and i am quite embarressed about that. I think im over him now though... i think i am actually starting to get over George, just because of the fact that i know he will never be mine and i have no chance. He like charlotte and i should just let them be :) but now... here comes the problemo: im actually starting to look at elliot in a different way and i need to stop it. I sit next to him in maths and i thought it was going to be really awkward but it turned out it wasnt at all and i think my mind is playing tricks on me; i am on the time of the month and everything too.... but yeah its all a bit confusing. i have fireworks tomorrow and im quite upset that im going to be by myself :( i remember last year i was with dom, i was pulling him, we stopped and hugged and a blonde lady behind dom gave me a weird smile and i said to dom "theres a weird lady smiling at me" and he turned around to have a look and was like "Oh shit its my mum"....... that was kind of awkward :L i know this sounds cheesy but i just think that fireworks are so romantic and standing there watching them by myself is going to be a tad depressing :/ :L its tess' birthday tomorrow too! she is going to be 16! she is like a year older than us so its really weird :L but yeah, thats all the feelings and stuff going through my head at the moment xxxxxxxxx

a gut feeling

well, we got back to school on tuesday...  its thursday now...george broke up with me Monday night. I went to cambrige that day and it was beyond horrible. He never ever went up to me first to talk to me... he always waited till i came over to him and everything was going okay at first... and then we started walking into cambridge and him and charlotte playll were spending LOADS of time together. It was so horrible to watch and i had a gut feeling that she fancied him. well i just KNEW she did. we went to go and see smurfs, everyone else went to go and see apollo18 or Planet of the apes but i went with george, charlotte and daisy to see smurfs because i wanted to spend some quality time with George. well, plan failed because it was the worst film i have EVER seen, so i wasnt distracted at all and my mind was constantly thinking about george and why he hadnt even looked at me the whole time we had been sitting there and was just talking to charlotte. i even CRIED in that cinema and he didnt even notice. at one point i even walked out and went to the toilet and just sat there thinking about what i could have possible done... i knew that something was very very wrong. when it was time to go george went early for no apparnt reason with charlotte and daisy and said bye to everyone apart from me. he just left. didnt even look back. didnt care to look back. just left with charlotte and looked at charlotte. with charlotte. with charlotte. with charlotte. with charlotte. with charlotte. i knew at that point, that he was going to break up with me. it was a gut feeling and when i have a gut feeling i now im right. that night... this is our conversation:
Me: can i ask you something?
George: yeh sure xx
Me: are you happy? xx
George: with what?
Me: us, because that is what matters most to me... if your happy and i know you arnt xx
George: im being honest... i dont think i love you anymore
Me: i could tell
George: im just telling you the truth
Me: i know... so where do we go from here
George: i think we should just stay close friends, because i dont think a relationship is worth it is it isnt proper. im sorry
Me: if that is what makes you happy
George: it doesnt make me happy, i just think it needs to be done
Me: as i said, its your decision. promise me one thing though
George: sure
Me: who ever you next go out with promise me you will be happy and they are very very lucky
George: thanyou so much xx

and well... yeah that is how we broke up. i cried; a lot. but harry was there for me and so was all my friends.

about 5 minutes after this happened i got an anon from charlotte playll who is meant to be my friend... this is what it said:
anon: youre like 12, you dont know what love is.
me: Im 14 actually and your a pathetic insecure twat wh ohas to go on anon because they are too scared to show who they actually are. People like you are bullies. You just pick on people you done even know and try to make them feel like shit. Go die in a hole.

the next day when i got back from school i looked through my messages and saw i had another anon posted at about lunchtime... it said:
anon: Funny this is courtney, i do know you. your the pathetic one.
me: why do you hate me so much?
anon: i dont. never said i did. Just think that you need to realise that love isnt something to mess around with. It discusts me.
me: then you must be a really sa, miserable person. what i do has nothing to do with you so fuck off.

i thought and i thought about who it could be. then i thought about charlotte playll. i guess she liked george? but i wasnt 100% sure it was her but it all added up. i confronted her at school an she denied it . she looked me right in the eye and i knew she was lying to me. now she is just moping around feeling sorry for herself- still attached to george and everytime i see them together my heart melts. its so horrible. i thought i coul trust her, i thought she was my friend but suddenly all this bitterness and hate has come out from her. its been there a small while though...  just building and building and now she has taken away the person i loved with everything i had and taken away my self confidence and made me more wary to the people i should trust. i feel wrecked. i miss george from the bottom of my heart. its like my life is suddenly over which sounds dramatic but i desperately want to just feel george holding me again. its lie a craving. it is always on your mind. Charlotte has one this so easily, as easy as taking a sweet from a baby. she has slowly killed me and i hate her rotten heart for it. i hate myself for thinking that but she has absolutely no idea the pain she has caused me. i love her though. isnt that funny? she is my friend and i want to be able to trust her, i love her and hate her at the same time... im sorry this post is like... MASSIVE but there is a lot of thoughts swimming round my head. im so thankful for tess being there for me and the others. i dont know what i would do without them. but when i have a gut feeling, i know its right and im not sure anyone will ever understand me.

rockbottom

- i dont know what to do because i have fallen out with emily because i was talking to Tim? she isnt going out with him anymore and she should trust me that i wouldnt do that to her although she has done that with me and got with dom who is my ex. its not fair. and i helped her when tim broke up with her, i was there for EVERY part of it and its like she has just thrown it all back in my face. I even went as far as scartching on my arm with a needle but then realised how ridiculously stupid that was and hid the little damage i had done with my braclets. I want emily to stop being so blunt to me and i went to town today and she didnt talk to me once. i ended up walking off crying. she has no idea how shit she has made me feel. i also made a post on my tumblr blog (runlikebutter.tumblr.com) and said "at times like this, i just want to dig myself a hole and die." that post was almost like a cry for help and she commented on it saying "thats jolly" <--- how unsensative is that? if i went a killed myself she probably wouldnt even give a toss. I feel like i have lost her as a friend and if i think she is lost. she is not emily anymore. she has completely fucked me up. i hope she is pleased with what she has done.

-my second problem is the fact that George wont talk to me. in the tent at his campout we did stuff.... "stuff" and now he is being really distant. i sound like a cow i know :/ im lucky to have him, but your boyfriend is meant to make you feel happy, right? but im not happy. im upset. im angry. im hurt. im beyond all that. im actually sinking into a wild cricle of happyness and depression. i feel like i have hit rock bottom and im too tired to lift myself up. i dont know what to do anymore. its like i have lost everyone and my life has no meaning. i was a mistake anyway. maybe i should keep that up and live my life as a massive mistake. no point anymore.

Plebb writes about her first days of 2011 :))))

Urm...... hi :) Not really sure what to write as its my first blog...
Heres my new years resolutions:
1. To loose some of my chunkaaaay fat o.O
2. Be happy!
3. Fill out my new diary

and i had a load more that i cant remember...... :LL

My Best friends (Jess, Katie, Emily, Taz, Charlotte, Ruth, Tim, Ryan... etc)
They all mean so much to me (:

Im pretty much in love with the most amazing person placed on this planet... <3


I love my brother!

I Love life :DD<3