feelings

Right, since i last updated a lot has happened.... i went through this smoking thing where just for one weekend i smoked a few fags with ruth and sarah daniels and stuff.... friends didnt want to talk to me- didnt blame them but it was a big thing and i was very upset about it. The other thing i didnt mean for to happen, i had just 'upped' my friendship with everyone again and it just all wrecked it again. I went to Elliot Hingstons party and it was about 4am and i was about to go to sleep but scott and elliot came through acting all drunk (everyone thought they were faking it but they wernt) asking if anyone wanted any shots. Me and charlotte playll decided we would have some. I didnt realise it was rum.... i had 5 shots (seeing as you can get drunk on one shot, 5 shots is pretty bad) then elliot came through with some port which was 20%. if you have quarter of the bottle you can kill yourself... i had half of the bottle :S i remember laying down next to Elliot on a sofa and then everything went wrong after that. The next thing i rememeber was openeing my eyes to looking at the inside of a bucket. I got taken in and layed on the sofa and i was told by emily that i had been fingered by elliot and i had tossed him off and given him head..... i was completely distraught but tbh i was still kind of drunk when she told me and apparently i kept calling Georges name and he came over and apparently i grabbed his hand or something :S AWWWKWWARRRD. :/ and i am quite embarressed about that. I think im over him now though... i think i am actually starting to get over George, just because of the fact that i know he will never be mine and i have no chance. He like charlotte and i should just let them be :) but now... here comes the problemo: im actually starting to look at elliot in a different way and i need to stop it. I sit next to him in maths and i thought it was going to be really awkward but it turned out it wasnt at all and i think my mind is playing tricks on me; i am on the time of the month and everything too.... but yeah its all a bit confusing. i have fireworks tomorrow and im quite upset that im going to be by myself :( i remember last year i was with dom, i was pulling him, we stopped and hugged and a blonde lady behind dom gave me a weird smile and i said to dom "theres a weird lady smiling at me" and he turned around to have a look and was like "Oh shit its my mum"....... that was kind of awkward :L i know this sounds cheesy but i just think that fireworks are so romantic and standing there watching them by myself is going to be a tad depressing :/ :L its tess' birthday tomorrow too! she is going to be 16! she is like a year older than us so its really weird :L but yeah, thats all the feelings and stuff going through my head at the moment xxxxxxxxx